


It’s Okay To Be Curious

by ShatterStars_01



Category: Jacksepticeye RPF, Mark Fischbach RPF, Mark Fischbach/Sean McLouglin - Works, Markiplier RPF, Sean McLouglin RPF, Septiplier - Fandom, Septiplier - Works - Fandom, Youtuber RPF
Genre: Apologies, Awkwardness, Boys In Love, Experimenting Together, Feelings Realization, Fighting, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First time with a man, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mark Fischbach - Freeform, Markiplier - Freeform, Masturbation, Moaning, Nightmares, Questioning, Running Away, Sean McLoughin - Freeform, Self-Acceptance, Septiplier - Freeform, Sex, Sexual Experimentation, Sexuality Crisis, Smut, Tension, jacksepticeye - Freeform, planning, venting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-06-01 05:27:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 17,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15136127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatterStars_01/pseuds/ShatterStars_01
Summary: Jack and Mark are going through confusing times of questioning, and aren't too sure of their sexuality anymore. Discussing it over they have a crazy idea...to experiment together.Will it stay casual or will it become something more?





	1. Bros Can Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is an author’s note to notify that this book will be updated once a week or at least I’ll try to.
> 
> And I hope you guys enjoy this book ;D
> 
> (EDIT: Don't be alarm if the chapters look a bit different, I finally fixed my editing system, so thing are finally in my original format. Like things put in bold, italic, etc. Just letting you guys know!)

***Jack's POV***

 

Okay, so I know I've stated many times that I'm not gay, and that I'm very certain I'm straight.......well lately I haven't been too sure anymore.

 

Lately I haven't been able to sleep, because I always get the same dream of the day I cringingly kissed a boy in primary school unintentionally. I turned around and bumped into the boy, and I accidentally kissed him. I was so embarrassed, and kids grew their suspicious of me being gay. I was bullied and harassed by it for months, until eventually it was forgotten.

 

I was super confused why all of a sudden my brain decided to remind me of that event. I'm very content and comfortable with my sexuality, so I ruled me being bisexual or pansexual out a long time ago. It didn't make any sense, and it's been bothering me for a while now.

 

Coming to a conclusion, and mostly cause I was worried about my lack of sleep, I came to a decision to vent out. I looked through my contacts, and searched for someone who I thought would maybe have any experience with relating to me, so I could get the most beneficial advice.

 

Skimming through, I spotted a bright red icon.

 

Mark?

 

Doesn't seem like a bad idea, he usually gives great advice, despite if we don't talk everyday.

 

Hasn't he also kissed a guy?

 

Oh yeah, I remember when we went to Felix's house to hang out we recorded that "Who's More Likely To" video. Mark shared that he one time got dared to kiss a guy, just so he could see boobs.

 

_My god, teen Mark was really desperate._

 

Maybe he can help me, he is usually pretty open minded to any conversation.

 

Confirming he would be the perfect person to talk to, I gave him a brief text to see if he was available to chat.

 

**[Text Messages]**

 

 **Jack** : Hey Mark! How've you been?

 

 **Jack:** I was wondering if you have any spare time to talk, it's kinda weird tho, haha

 

It took a while for him to respond, but after a few minutes of scrolling through Twitter, a message popped up.

 

 **Mark:** I'm doing good, just finished recording for today. I got time to talk, so go ahead and call me on FaceTime :D

 

**[End of Messages]**

 

Spinning on my chair in my recording room, I dialed Mark's number, and waited for him to answer. The phone rang twice before the familiar face of my dear friend appeared on my phone's screen.

 

"Hello?" he said, questioning if I could hear him.

 

"Oh hai, Mark," I snickered, quoting Tommy Wiseau.

 

"Ha ha, very funny," he replied, being the sarcastic twat he was.

 

I chuckled," Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I just saw the movie recently, so expect that every time we talk for the next few days."

 

"I look forward to it," he laughed back." So what's up?"

 

Remembering why I called Mark in the first place, I lean back in my chair, thinking of a way to explain my situation that doesn't make it sound absurd and then make it awkward.

 

I sighed," Well, I've been having this weird dream of a old memory back in primary school.I turned around, and kissed a boy by accident."

 

"Haven't you mention this before?" Mark said, clearly remembering this discussion.

 

"Yeah, in one of Felix's videos," I reminded him." It was the "Who's More Likely To" challenge.

 

"Right. That is when my punishment was a nipple pump...sounds a lot weirder when saying it out loud," he exclaims.

 

I nodded, agreeing," Yup! You never know what to expect with Felix, huh?"

 

"Haha, yeah," Mark replied." So go ahead and continue your story."

 

I sat up more," Well, I have no idea why my brain is reminded me of this out of all times, it literally came out of nowhere. It's been bothering me for the last few days, since every time I try to sleep, I have the same dream of me back in primary kissing that boy. It's driving me nuts, man."

 

"Sounds serious," Mark said." Do you think you're into guys? I mean, it's possible your mind is telling you that you might have a interest of men."

 

I shrug," I mean, I don't think so...I've always been very certain of my sexuality and don't ever see myself with a man."

 

"Are you sure? Maybe you just got mentally scarred from that situation, and just denied that part of you," Mark pointed out." But if you are fully confident in your sexuality, then I won't question it."

 

I rub at the temples of my forehead," I don't even know anymore, at this point my brain is really fucking with me and I feel very confused of everything."

 

"Hey, I know it can be overwhelming for you right now, but try to stay calm. You don't have to freak out, you're alright," Mark reassured me, his face reading concern." If it's too much right now, we can stop talking about this and moved on to another suggestion."

 

I shook my head," No, it's fine! Please, continue."

 

Mark understood, and continued his thought process. He seemed to try and lighten the situation, by referring to an experience of his own.

 

"Okay, well since I did share with you my story at Felix's as well, you already know I kissed a guy before too," he went on, when I nodded to confirm that." The thing is it WAS intentional for me, because after all it was a dare."

 

I interrupted Mark real quick with a question," Was it a peck or like a FULL on kiss?"

 

"We tried to just peck, but they wouldn't accept it, so yeah it was a full on kiss. Lips apart, tongue, and everything," he admitted.

 

I blushed slightly, definitely a bit taken back with Mark's details and bluntness, but just blew it off with a nod of understanding, trying my best to make sure he doesn't notice my now reddening face.

 

Mark spoke again," In that moment, it really felt like nothing so I never thought about it again. Of course, it comes back to me every once in a while, but there was no meaning behind it so it makes it easier to ignore. I'm pretty sure that dream of yours was just a unforgettable memory that was forged into your head, and it happens to annoy you at times."

 

Feeling better, I smile," That...that is comforting to know. Thanks Mark, I think I just been overthinking a bit too much about this."

 

Mark smiles back," It's totally okay, Jack. Sometimes we just need to get things off our chest."

 

I look at the time, and notice it's almost 3:49 am. I turn back to Mark, but he recognizes what I'm going to say and speaks before I mange to say anything.

 

"It must be pretty late over there, I'll let you get some rest," he states." If you ever need to talk, I'm always free to listen and give feedback."

 

I smile brightly," Thanks again, and the same goes for you! I'll talk to you later Mark, goodnight."

 

"Goodnight, bye," he says, waving.

 

I click end call, and hang up. It was nice talking to Mark again, I really must have forgotten about how wise Mark is. He always knows what to say, and how to say it. No wonder many people look up the guy, I can see why.

 

Feeling adequate with myself, I stood from my chair and exited my recording room. Yawning, I stretch while entering my bedroom, my bones cracking from tension of stress. I close the door to isolate myself in my tiny room of this huge apartment, and undress to only my boxers. Feeling like a huge weight has been lifted, my body is free of pants, and I start to get fatigue. Pulling over the covers of my bed, I lay down to get comfortable for my midnight rest.

 

Usually at this time, I would get anxious about having the same dream, but I felt safe with Mark's words still lingering around.

 

I plug in my phone so it can charge over night, and switch the lamp off, the room going completely dark.

 

It didn't take long before exhaustion took over my body, and I fell into a deep sleep.


	2. A Loneful Night

***Mark's POV***

 

Once Jack signed off, I checked the time. It was 9 something p.m. It was a bit later than normal for me to be having dinner, but I knew my stomach would be upset at me and I'll regret it in the morning.

 

Standing up from my chair, my ass felt sore for being in that position for so long. Squatting to get rid of the annoyance, I felt it subdue and began to make my way towards my kitchen.

 

I made my way downstairs, hearing Chica get up from her bed to follow, her body weight making her steps acknowledged. I smile when she stumbles on the last stair, but quickly wags her tail afterwards.

 

I rubbed her head," You silly girl, you just ate not too long ago. But of course, you're always in the mood to eat, just like Papa, huh?"

 

She licks my hand in return, most likely agreeing. I chuckle, and pull away from the eager pup. She follows, totting behind me,and I pull open the fridge door to see what I got to eat real quick.

 

Cereal? Nope milk is expired.

 

Eggs? Too much effort.

 

Top Ramen? Nah, I've been having that for the last few days.

 

I open a closed white container, and see it full of left over Chinese food. There was Chow Mein, fried rice, and orange chicken. Sounds good enough, I think to myself.

 

I throw the container in the microwave to heat it up, and wait for the timer to ring. I walk over to the living room to hopefully find something to watch while I eat to keep my entertain for a while. I opened up Netflix, and went on my watchlist to watch Queer Eye season 2. I stack a pack of tissues next the couch, knowing that this show is too damn emotional for me, and smile when I click to watch the first episode.

 

Hearing a loud beep go off and a barking Chica, I guessed my food was done. I open the the door of the microwave, and see steam come out, my mouth watering at the smell.

 

_God I must be hungrier than I thought._

 

Chica attempts to grab at the platter of food, and I hold the food up in the air. The theme song of the TV show ends, and I race to take my seat.

 

Chica paws at me," Hey! This is my food, you ate already."

 

She gives me those puppy eyes I can't resist, and I feel a sharp tug on my heart.

 

_Damn, this dog knows her ways._

 

"Ugh, fine," I said, defeated." You can have some, but not too much, I don't need you shitting on my floor."

 

I picked up a piece of orange chicken, and she gobbles it down. It's gone within a second, and swear I didn't even see her chew, it was like she just inhaled the thing.

 

I hand her a few more pieces until I consider she has had enough, and pat her head. She seems to understand, and was content on what she got. I watch as she makes her way upstairs back to the comfort of her bed, it definitely being past her bedtime. The poor thing is probably tuckered out.

 

Continuing to eat, I finish all my food and get through about 2 episodes of Queer Eye season 2, and I wipe the tears away while chuckling. Glancing at the clock, I see it was almost midnight, yet I still felt wide awake. I think about staying up and watching more TV, but I take in to consideration and I end up deciding to go to bed since I knew that I have to get up early and edit videos.

 

I carry the now empty container to the trash can, and dump it in there. After shutting down the TV, I turn off all the lights and make sure everything is locked.

 

After double checking everything downstairs, I headed upstairs to my bedroom. Chica is asleep in the hallway on her bed, snoring gently. What a cutie.

 

I enter my room, and shut the door quietly as not to disturb the comfy Chica. She may be a sweetheart, but if you upset her enough, she'll find a way to LITERALLY shit on everything you love. I really do question what the hell goes on in her head, but I'm pretty sure that is something that I'll never get the answer to.

 

A flashing green light grabs my attention weirdly, and I see my computer is still on, so I make my way towards it. I sit back in the chair, closing all the tabs until I stop abruptly. I was actually quite in the mood for something, and I'll probably being needing my computer real quick for this....hey, it's perfectly healthy!


	3. I’m Supposed To Be “Straight”*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see a * on the chapter’s title that means there’ll be explicit smut, just letting you know :)

***Mark's POV***

 

Propping my headphones on, I get on Google, searching for something that isn't too kid friendly. I type into the website browser, and I'm greeted with the bold words of PornHub.

 

I click on the categories box, and see what peaks my interest today. Most of it is stuff I've seen, cause well being a teenager at some point of my life, hormones found porn to be my television at the time. Wanting to get arouse, I kept digging, until finally an image catches my eyes.

 

Threesome? Yeah, I can get past that.

 

Clicking on a video, two guys are on both sides of a girl. They help her undress, while one makes out with her and the other kneads at her breasts.

 

I get the familiar tingles, and I lean back. I groped myself through my jeans, and I unbutton the front, sliding the zipper down. I can feel myself getting hard by the minute, and I shimmy out of my jeans, discarding them and returning my attention to the video.

 

The guys take turns eating out the girl, and she moans out loud, it being exaggerated obviously. I cringe at the fakeness, and my boner starts to slip away.

 

"Come on," I say in frustration.

 

The scene changes to the one of the guys blowing the other guy, and the girl touches herself watching.

 

I feel my boner start to spring back up again, and I dip my hand into my underwear. Wrapping my hand around my shaft, my hips buck up at instinct.

 

The scene changes again, and the girl get fucks by one guy, and the other guy fucks him. They moan in unison, and thrust into one another.

 

Getting more excited, I pull my mass out of my boxers, and full on pump my dick at a fast pace. I threw my head back, releasing a croaky groan.

 

_Ugh, I need something more._

 

Hearing the video change, I look back at my monitor and see it's two guys having sex. Usually I click out of these videos, because they never did anything for me, but I couldn't bring myself to exit out. In fact, I grew hornier as the top pounded into the bottom. His moans were desperate of need, and it went straight to my groin.

 

I take off my underwear in anticipation, and spread my legs wider. I rolled up my shirt, and clenched a nipple of mine. Twisting the bud around, a very feminine squeak comes out of me. I was honestly shocked, but it felt too good and I couldn't bring myself to stop.

 

I blushed heavily, as I clicked another gay porn video. The video started with two men tugging at one another's dicks, making out at the same time.

 

I don't know why, but I was caught up in the video that I started to suck on my fingers with need, coating them in saliva. I bobbed my head up and down, my eyebrows knitted together as I pumped faster at my dick. Pre-cum started to leak, and I strangely thought of a man licking it clean off me.

 

"Mhmm," I mumbled, around my fingers.

 

The top commanded the bottom on all fours, and began lapping at the bottom's ass. Out of nowhere I felt myself lift a leg onto my desk, and my spit covered hand rubbed at my hole. The feeling was new, and I gasped.

 

Squirming, I moaned." U-uhghh, mmm."

 

The top pulled back, and enter inside the bottom, already slamming into him. The bottom's face was shaped in a 'O' as he screamed in pleasure.

 

I hesitantly entered a digit in me, I hissed at the pain but it didn't hurt enough for me to quit. Entering another one, I opened my legs wider, giving my fingers more space to work with. The burning feeling went away, and I experimentally moved my fingers in and out, pressing the pads of my fingers against the walls of my anus. Touching something round, I cried out.

 

"Oh, fuck!" I shrieked.

 

Putting a hand over my mouth to silence me, I ram my fingers into the spot which I suspected to be my prostate. I thought people alway overreacted, but I felt like I was going to scream. I add another finger, and speed up my actions until I saw stars.

 

I matched the top's thrusts into the bottom, with my fingers. The bottom jerked himself off, while the top cummed deep inside of him, it even leaking out of his ass.

 

I felt myself really close, and cried out when I imagined the full feeling of being filled up with cum inside my own ass. Giving a final tug, whites spurts of semen landed on my stomach as my fingers propelled as hard and deep into my prostate.

 

"Holy shit, oh fuck me!!!" I moaned loudly.

 

I shuttered as the video ended, and I closed the page. I slowly pulled out my fingers, and sighed heavily as I came down from my high.

 

Noticing that the cum was starting to dry up, I waltz into my bedroom's bathroom, trying to ignore what just happened nearly a minute ago.

 

Soaking a rag with lukewarm water, I wiped away the stains on my stomach region. The once cleaned rag was thrown into the dirty hamper, and would be washed later.

 

I squirt soap on my hands, and cleaned them, them reeking of recent masturbation. I finished and turned off the water, throwing the rest of my now dirty clothes in the hamper.

 

Tiredness was finally reaching me, and I didn't even bother with putting on any clothes and just laid down in my bed naked.

 

_I mean it wouldn't be the first time._

 

I wrapped the covers around my body, and stared at the ceiling, in unbelief that I just fingered myself and got off to gay porn being 'straight.' I rolled over not wanting to think too deep into it, and turn off the lamp, the remaining source of light in the room.

 

Too tired to even process the darkness of the situation, I turned to my side and cuddle my pillow. My eyes fluttered close, and I grew into a deep sleep forgetting all reality.


	4. Nightmare Twist

***Jack's POV***

 

Great I was having the dream again, but this time something seemed off.

 

It was the same scenario of me turning around, and accidentally kissing the boy. Usually right after, we would pull away and wipe our mouths with our sleeves, then the whole school would laugh. For some reason that didn't happen...

 

Instead, the boy grabbed both side of my cheeks, deepening the kiss. Because I was so shock, my mouth parted and he slid his tongue inside. I had no idea why I was standing there while this guy assaulted my mouth. I should be pulling back, but my body told me another tale.

 

I grabbed the boys hair and tangle my hands in it, returning the actions of the kissing boy, moaning delightfully at the contact.

 

It was not long before I noticed that we weren't in the school no more but instead on a bed. I was shoved back, and I collapsed on my back on the bed. The boy crawled over me, and straddling on my lap.

 

He grew a devious smirk, and I didn't get the message, until a spring of pleasure coursed through my groin. He had grounded his hips into mine, creating friction. I threw my head back and grunted, as the boy repeatedly rutted against my hardening member.

 

_This isn't right.....I'm fucking straight....._

 

The boy leaned into my ear, andlowered his voice to a deep tone. My eyes were wide, and I awaited his words.

 

"Are you sure?" he said, questioning my sexuality.

 

I jolted up in my bed, panting and sweating. I looked around and notice it was still late, glancing at the clock it read 4:37 a.m. I sighed and laid back, staring at the ceiling.

 

_It felt so real..._

 

I brought my fingers to my lips, thinking about how much I actually enjoyed making out with another dude. It didn't make sense though, I'm straight.

 

The words the boy said before I woke up send a chill up my spine though.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

I didn't want to, but I had to. When looking down, I had notice that there was a tent in my nether regions area.

 

Oh no...I had a boner.

 

I grew red faced as I thought of jerking this off, and to be honest I feel like that would just add to my stress. I'm gonna have to tolerate this, cause I definitely know that I will lose my sanity, shameful throughout the whole masturbation session. I'm in no mood to do this, and I'm already fearing for my sexuality.

 

***

 

"Fuck!" I screamed in frustration.

 

I've been tossing and turning all night in distress, and it's almost dawn. My boner has gone down to a half-chub, but I haven't been able to get rid of it entirely. I know I need relief, but I'm too damn stubborn to give in.

 

There has to be a way to distract myself, maybe that can help bring my erection down.

 

Checking the time I notice it was really late for everyone that I knew, and the embarrassment I would feel if I had to wake someone up. Not only that, but I would have to come up with a believable excuse of why I called them in the first place.

 

"Goddamnit brain, why can you just behave and make my life a bit easier!" I say to myself, as I sit up to reach for my phone.

 

I unplug it and the bright screen makes my eyes squint. I go on various apps to keep me entertain for the time being.

 

I ended up replying to tweets and messages from other social media platforms, and people started to notice how late it was for me. I eventually started getting questioned a lot of the reason why I was up and the concern of the community tugged at my heart, but I knew if I said anything, rumors or speculations would rise up and I certainly didn't need that right now.

 

Shutting off my phone, I sighed heavily and turned my head towards my curtains, only to notice the ounces of light spewing in.

 

"You have to be shitting me, it's morning already?" I groaned, tossing the covers off of me.

 

I rub at my eyes and stand up to head to the bathroom to take a leak. I yawn heavily, knowing full well that I did not get enough hours of sleep.

 

My boner has finally gone away, and I could probably catch up on sleep now, but it's way too late for that. I know people depend on me and I really need to get videos out today.

 

Finishing up, I glance myself in the mirror and I look like absolute shit. My hair messy, my eyes baggy, and my lips dried and chapped.

 

"Today is gonna be a long day isn't it?" I sigh to myself.


	5. Cringeworthy Conversation

***Jack's POV***

 

"What the fuck!!!!" I screamed as I was jump-scared by a glitchy face of a girl.

 

I was currently playing a game called Simulacra, and this game had the scariest jump scares that I have ever experienced. I held tightly onto my chest as I pant with fear, and I could sense a heart attack happening if I don't quit right now.

 

"FUCKA YOU!!!" I yelled, holding up my middle fingers.

 

The game glitch once again and  I took back my mean remark, and jolted back into the comfort of my chair.

 

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I laughed nervously." Please don't hurt me."

 

Pausing the game, so nothing else could surprise me, I decided to end this video for my health's sake.

 

"Alright I think that's it for this video, hehe. I think this game is really good! Though I was not expecting so much from it so early on. I also didn't expect to get this scared and paranoid, but I'm really glad you guys recommended this to me. Even though I just shat my pants like several times, I'm actually having a lot of fun, haha," I exclaimed." But thank you guys so much for watching this video! If you liked it, punch that like button in the face, LIKE A BOSS! And...high fives all-around, whapish-whapish, but thank you guys and I'll see all you dudes...IN THE NEXT VIDEO!!!"

 

Cutting the camera , I checked through the footage to make sure everything was good to go before sending it to Robin to edit. After that I went to make thumbnails for today's videos, and once I finished I uploaded them to YouTube to render.

 

"I feel productive!!!" I screamed as I stretched to yawn.

 

Getting way too comfortable, I felt myself beginning to dose off.  Not this, I don't got time for this right now, I should be getting more things down. Sleep later, work now......but a few minutes of shut eye wouldn't hurt, right?

 

***ring-ring***

 

My eyes shoot open from the incoming Skype call, the ringtone being way too loud to ignore with headphones on.

 

I sat up, obviously disturbed "Oh come on, not even a minute!"

 

It was Mark?

 

"Hello?" I answered, rubbing my eyes.

 

"Hey Jack, oh.....no offense but you look like shit," he admitted.

 

"Thanks for the very lovely compliment," I say sarcastically." You're such a charming person, did you know that Mark?"

 

He winced," Sorry, that came off a bit harsher than intended."

 

"Nah, it's alright," I waved his remark off." Just didn't get much sleep last night."

 

"You had the dream again, didn't you?" he figured.

 

I nodded my head," Yeah.."

 

"I told you could call me whenever you needed to, don't hesitate," he proclaimed to me." Doesn't matter how late it is, I can make time."

 

"Mark it's totally fine, I understand your generosity but I needed to handle this one on my own," I told him." It was a bit more complicated than that...something I'm not too comfortable talking about."

 

Mark eyes widen, understanding what I meant," Oh."

 

"Look just forget about it," I dismissed." So what made you call me?"

 

Mark's face redden and he stumbled over his words," You know what, it can wait. Don't think it's the right time to share this with you. You got a bit on your table, I don't need to throw more on it."

 

"Mark spill it, it's alright," I reassured him.

 

"Promise me you'll tell me if I start to make you uncomfortable, alright?" he said, nervously.

 

"Of course," letting him know I can handle it.

 

The last thing I wanted to do was make this awkward. Besides Mark has listened to me plenty of times, it's only fair that I pay my respects and do the same for him.

 

"Go ahead, when you're ready," I encouraged him.

 

He exhaled loudly, and scratched the back of his neck," Uh...well, shit how do I say this. I don't think I'm straight, at least entirely."

 

"So you think you might be actually attracted to guys?" I asked.

 

"See I'm not sure," he acknowledged." I was always certain that I just like girls, but I'm started to think that's only because my whole life I've been told I was straight and was convinced of it."

 

I nodded," Okay, so what made you realize this?"

 

"Uh, let's not discuss that please," Mark coughed." Not entirely proud of it to be honest, it just happened."

 

"Wait, you had a one-night stand with a guy?!" I shrieked, shocked.

 

He covered his face," Oh God no, that's not what happened, geez Jack!!!"

 

I felt bad for assuming," Oh sorry...uh, so what did happen?"

 

He sighed," You're really gonna make me have to say aren't you?"

 

"What'd I say?!" I said, having no clue what he meant.

 

He muttered," I got off to gay porn...."

 

Instinctively my eyes widen at the words that exited Mark's mouth. My face heated to the thought of Mark doing....'that'.... to himself.

 

My mind propelled to a place it shouldn't have gone to, and I delve more into the details. Was Mark a dominant or submissive person, or both? Did he just jerk off, or finger himself? Was he loud or facial?

 

The more I thought, the sicker and sicker the images of Mark popped into my head, and it was NOT okay.

 

_Okay brain stop before—oh shit....._

 

"Jack, are you okay?" he asked, clearly scared I would run off.

 

"I'm fine..." I squeaked by accident.

 

That was such a huge lie, and anyone with the brains that can count to five could tell.

 

"Jack, please say something, the tension is honestly making me wanna die!" he began to panic.

 

"I-I.....um, yeah so..." I couldn't find words, and was basically mumbling.

 

"Fuck I'm sorry, I made this conversation way too cringey," Mark apologized.

 

I didn't want Mark to feel bad, so I played it off and tried to play cool. I was not gonna emotionally scar Mark, especially when he is going through such a confusing time.

 

"Dude, look it's cool," I smiled." I was just caught off guard, that's all."

 

"You sure? You seem...tense," he replied.

 

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" I did a bit too loudly.

 

Mark snickered," Right, sure you are. Look if you need to go, I understand."

 

"What?! No I don't want ya to leave," I told him.

 

Honestly me hanging up would  be the best decision, but my friendliness nature couldn't agree to that.

 

"Actually I do got to go, Chica is bothering that she has to go out," he retorted.

 

"Oh okay, have a good time, shit...I mean have a good one," I stammered.

 

Mark chuckled," Yeah you too, thanks for the...chat."

 

"Any time," I smiled.

 

Within that, Mark hung up, and left me in the evil silence of my head. I sighed heavily, upset at myself and my body.

 

"Goddamnit..." I whined." Why did you have to come back out of all times?!"

 

Looks like sleep is gonna be a problem here because Mr. Boner likes to visit on the worse moments, and just the thought of me masturbating to the conversation I just had with my FRIEND, I don't think I'll survive the shame.

 

"Cold shower it is then!" I said, running to the shower.

 

_The fuck is wrong with me?_


	6. Fresh Air and Fresh Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the chapter came out a little later, I had gone to Disneyland on Saturday and took a quick road trip today, so I just got back home. But here’s a new chapter, enjoy!

***Mark's POV***

 

"Thank God I have a dog!!!" I scream to myself, covering my face from sheer embarrassment." Fuck, I'm so dumb. Why did I do that?! Like what were the odds that Jack had an awkward night while I got off to gay porn."

 

Chica runs into the room, hearing my outrageous rambling . She lays her head on my lap, staring deep into me with those big ol' eyes of hers. Sighing heavily, her company reassures me and I calm down.

 

"You know your Papa is crazy right, puppo?" I coo to her.

 

She wags her tail, and gets excited from the tone of my voice.

 

"I'll take that as a yes," I say, getting up from my chair." Well you're here anyway, why don't we take a walk? I think both us need it."

 

Hearing the word "walk," Chica perks up and runs in circles, excited to be taken out. I rise up from my comfortable chair, and follow as Chica zooms downstairs to await me to put on her leash.

 

I reach the kitchen and open a drawer that was specifically full of some of Chica's stuff. Quickly I grab her leash and a couple of poop bags, in case she went potty on the walk. You could never be prepared when your dog randomly decides to shit and not have bags on you, and next thing you know is that you're trying to hide the turd with leaves and twigs so you're not 'that guy who doesn't pick up after his dog.'

 

Sliding my shoes on by the door and hooking Chica's leash onto her collar, I grab my keys and exit my household. Taking a deep breath, the fresh breezy air feels my lungs and my anxiety lessens, but only a little bit.

 

Beginning are walk, Chica trails in front of me, desperately trying to sniff almost every landmark we past. I swear to god that it's the Twitter for Dogs, leaving markings for a post and smelling them is like reading someone else's. Or like if they pee on the area they were currently sniffing they left a like and a poo is a comment, so if they took a big poo that meant it was them rambling......okay I just delve WAY too deep into this thought, moving on.

 

On our walk, I see a lovely couple at the park along with their daughter. They were waving toys around her, making all sorts of adorable giggles escape her. She seem totally happy with both of her dads, completely oblivious to the cruelness of the outside world. Smiling when the couple kiss, it had also trtiggered the conversation that I just had with Sean.

 

_Am I gay? I don't think so...ugh, maybe I'm bi or pan, but again I don't think so....._

 

Not that there is anything wrong if I am, but I've just always been so confident in my sexuality. I'm attracted to girls, for as long as I've known, I've always have been and always been with them. I love to kiss them, hold them, and have sex with them. Doing those things with a guy just never seemed 'advertising' to me. I could honestly try and I don't believe that I be attracted, it would honestly, just feel awkward.

 

But then, last night makes things a little more confusing. Never in my life have I ever felt those kinda of things before, until that sudden moment. I wasn't intentionally trying, it just sorta happened. It was more of my body being attracted than my brain. My alarms were going off, but my body kept telling me to ignore it and continue what I was doing.

 

Jerking off is a common thing in my life, and if I'm gonna be honest, it is with most guys. Getting material though gets harder the more you do it, and sometimes I just give up cause nothing seems to spark me. Especially lately it's been harder to get satisfied. I sorta of would just try and if worked I get it out of my system and if it didn't I would walk away and do something else. But yesterday...I enjoyed myself a bit too much and even grew winded on how good it felt.

 

I wasn't guilty, I wasn't ashamed, I was just purely confused that it happened. Not only did I get turned on, but I got off to it...and liked it.

 

I'm a bit too scared to try again, and I don't really know how to test my theory into whatever this is. Am I bisexual? Am I pansexual? Am I only sexually attracted to males and not romantically?

 

It hurts my head to even ask those questions, and hurts even more to test those questions out.

 

....nope, I'm not doing this right now. Because if I do, I can't promise that I won't pass out right this instant. And that wouldn't be fair to poor Ol' Chica Beeca, I don't want to be an embarrassing doggie dad.

 

Making a U-turn, I start to head back to my house. In such a rush, I couldn't really wait for Chica to re-sniff everything, and tug on her leash to hurry up with me.

 

Reaching the door, I fumbled with my keys and dash inside to the safety and comforts of being alone. Leaning against the door, I groan in frustration.

 

"Fuck me......" I said, eyes closed from a headache" .....bad choice of words."


	7. I Will Not Give In!

***Jack's POV***

 

"What the fuck am I doing....?" I exhaled deeply.

 

I was currently doing jumping jacks in my living room, fighting off the will to sleep. It started right after me and Mark had that awkward conversation a few days ago, and it's been tearing me apart and it has been mentally bothering me with questions of my sexuality. I had nothing against the LGBTQA+ community and in fact I was a huge supporter, but me myself, a person who has always been confident in everything about me, couldn't find myself being associated with being gay. I knew I couldn't be, I know I'm not....but the words from the last nightmare still lingered in the back of my head and shoved fear down my gullet without a warning.

 

At this point I had been up all night for the past week, doing anything to my abilities to make excuses or do things to stay awake. It got to the point where I would either stall to go to bed, or keep myself up until morning. The sleep deprivation was staring to get to me though, I didn't know how much longer I would last without rest, even suffering from the past weeks of not getting good sleep anyway. My body was basically begging to give into exhaustion at this point and recharge, or to even just close my eyes for large amount time, but I refused. Because I knew deep down that the nightmare will only progress to more and more suggestive material and my already confused mind would shut down immensely.

 

The thought of it already sending a chill up my spine, and my arms that had slower had found a new source of pushing forward.

 

"I WON'T GIVE IN!" I screamed, increasing my pace even though my limbs wanted me to do the exact opposite.

 

_If I keep going, I can run away..._

_If I push harder enough, I can suppress it......._

_If I was smarter, I wouldn't be in this mess....._

_If ignore everything and everyone, I can ignore it as well......._

_If I keep wishing it away, maybe it will come true......_

_If I give a better effort, I can forget...._

_If.......if I......AHHHHH!!!!_

 

Grunting, my body parts aches for relaxation and I had finally reached my limits. Falling on the floor harshly, my palms and knees hit and throb from impact. I pant blinking and squinting from tiredness and quickly rub my droopy eyes to make sure they don't seal shut.

 

_No...I won't.....give....in—_

I felt myself collapse, my exhausted body loosen now and it rejoices with the break of abuse. I knew this was dangerous and that if I don't get up soon, I won't be getting up at all. Yet, it was far too late cause I had grown too comfortable to even move a muscle, and yawn deeply and I defeatedly fell asleep.

 

_Damnit._

 

***

 

I look around and groan when I notice my old primary school, and shout," UGH, not this shit again!!!"

 

Seeing my body already turn around, I had been too fed up to even focus on the kids and even motivated the dream to just keep it over with," Just hurry the fuck up so I can sleep!"

 

Puckering my lips out of will, and closing my eyes I braced for impact. I winced when I had felt lips on mine, but was utterly shock when it felt different from the usually dreams. It was actually hairier as if there were facial hair now, and the lips felt more masculine and thinner but plump to a certain degree for a man.

 

My avatar opened its eyes, and when I saw who exactly I had kissed, I felt my eyes widen with great fear and utter anxiety. Shaking my head at the worse than before Nightmare, my body had jolted up with my heart burning.

 

Taking in my surroundings I was back in the living room on the floor, and it was almost daylight. The sun barely entering through the blinds and casting on the ground. I'm awake, but I couldn't tell if that was goods news or bad news. Would I rather prefer the end of my nightmare, or the cruel harshness of my current situation and reality?

 

Touching my lips, I had flinched when remembering the exact feeling and remembering it vividly too. It was real and life like, and it concerned me greatly on how it felt. It didn't feel right......but it also didn't feel wrong.

 

_What the actually fuck?_

 

Grabbing my attention, my phone rang and vibrated on the coffee table, drifting off and almost falling off the edge. Just in time, I pick it up before it met its doom and read the caller ID.

 

"You have to be kidding me....." I whisper, actually afraid at who was calling me right at this moment after what I had just experienced.

 

Knowing I couldn't decline, I was even more afraid that I needed to answer, already knowing the consequences that could come along if I don't. So shakily I press the accept green button and hold the phone to my ear, to hear a deep gravelly voice.

 

Hesitantly I respond," Yeah, Mark?"


	8. You Can’t Run From Your Problems

***Jack's POV***

 

"Hey Jack...uh, sorry to call you without notice," Mark responded.

 

I sat up from the living room ground and replied," No, no, it's alright."

 

"If you say so..." Mark said, his voice sounding kinda down and pretty concern.

 

I didn't know why and curiosity gained up on me, so I shook my head and raised a brow," So what's got ya callin' me?"

 

"Um, I just wanted to see how you're doing," Mark admitted, almost shyly." It could just be my bad judge of character but uh, you seem kinda 'off' and tired in your videos lately. I tried to ignore it and play it off as me being paranoid, especially with our last conversation...but I just wanted to check up on you, and make sure everything's alright."

 

I faced palmed myself, forgetting that me avoiding sleep must of been real noticeable in my videos. Doing YouTube for so long, people have gotten to know me pretty well and could tell when things weren't right. Curse Mark for being a good friend and actually watching my content.

 

"Uh, just tired as usually, but nothing you have to worry about Mark," I tell him to lessen his anxieties.

 

He paused for a while,"........Jack, if this has something to do on what happened in our last chat, I'm deeply sorry for-"

 

"No!" I said a bit too loud, and winced." I mean no, it has nothing to do with that. It's nothing really."

 

"Sean," Mark uses my real name, and I'm taken back by the seriousness.

 

I knew there wasn't no point of lying to him if he can tell, sighing I explain," Look...the nightmare keeps coming back but worse. I don't want to sleep because of it, in case I vision something that I KNOW I won't be able to forget....I'm comfortable on who I am, and I don't plan on letting this stupid dream ruin that. I like women, I always have and the thought of testing to see if I like men already had me in shambles because I truly can't see myself being cuddle with some male stranger."

 

"Does it scare you if you try it...that you might like it?" Mark asked, almost hesitant to even ask that.

 

I cross my arms," Honestly, I don't know......"

 

I breathe heavily and can feel my body shake at the thought of processing this and not breaking down in front of Mark on the phone. I've been running away from this, but it keeps chasing me and I don't want to let it catch up to me.

 

"If it makes you feel better, you're not alone on this..." Mark says out loud.

 

My attention perks up on the statement and I listen, while Mark shares his thoughts as well.

 

"I don't have anything wrong with being gay or partially gay, it's fine with me. I can see your point though of not being able to see myself with a guy and especially with some male stranger," he proclaims." Being vulnerable around someone is tough for me already with people I know very well, but a stranger...I wouldn't be able to handle it well. Especially knowing that my life gets public at times and if someone outed some false news about me, it would make the situation scarier. Your not alone Sean...I understand, but pretending it's not there and neglecting the acknowledgement it needs won't get you very far, and can be very damaging to your mental and physical health. You need sleep Sean, and you need to vent to someone or at least yourself."

 

He was right, and I knew it. Everything he said, everything he mentioned was all true and I knew deep down inside. Did I wanted to accept it though, yes....but my fear got the better of me when remembering what had just happen a few minutes ago before answering this phone.

 

"Mark...thank you, but I have to go..." I said quickly, feeling a panic attack come in.

 

Before giving him a chance to respond, I hanged up, guilt already flooding through me. It made me feel worse knowing Mark was trying to just help out, but my emotional ass just couldn't handle it all.

 

Rushing to the bathroom, I bent over the counter of the sink, my hands squeezing the edges tightly while I let out deep choked breaths because of my hard time of breathing correctly. Turning the faucets on to let cold refreshing water let loose, I splashed my face and rubbed to calm my nerves. It helped, but only a bit. Turning the water off, I reached to the right of me and grabbed the towel hanging there to clean my now damp face. Taking a view in the mirror I noticed how fucked up I looked, and understood what Mark meant.

 

My eyes were baggy with dark circles underneath them, my lips extremely chapped and dry, my pale skin lighter than usual, my wrinkles more defined without rest, and my hair sticking out all over the place and frizzy. Even my clothes were less fashionable and I was pretty much only wearing sweaters, t-shirts, and sweats everywhere and in my videos. I was a mess, and that's what broke me. I bawled on the bathroom floor that night, eventually passing out.

 

_Why do I torture myself....?_


	9. Silence Leads To Bad Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this chapter is a wee bit late! I had company over this past few days, and didn’t have time to post, AH SORRY!!! 
> 
> Also the next few chapters will be quite sad, but don’t worry, things will get better and cheerier :)

***Mark's POV***

It's been a while since me and Jack have sat down and have a conversation over the phone or Skype, or even collaborate for videos alone or with Bob or Wade. Not even a simple text of 'how've you been?' or 'how are you?' has popped up at all.

 

Neither of us could deny that it definitely has gotten weird between us within the last conversation, and I knew we would need to take some space between us to calm the tension, but it has been quite longer than I expected. I thought by now we would have gotten over it, but none of us had even glance towards one another since that phone call.

 

If I was being totally honest with myself, I was beginning to get real anxious about me and Jack's friendship. It wasn't like us to be so distance after a serious chat gone wrong, we would always talk through it and settle it. I guess it was just a bit more personal and sensitive of a topic this time around, and I pushed too far for Jack's liking.

 

I wasn't trying to push his buttons, I just wanted to help him by telling him the truth. I wasn't even expecting Jack's reaction to be so fearful about the topic, but it seems it bothered him greatly to the point where his sleep deprivation has gotten worse. I knew it had, hell, even his subscribers have noticed.

 

Not too long ago, I have watched one of Jack's videos to just check on him without actually having to talk to him and he looked extremely exhausted. His face was basically yelling out that he hasn't been sleeping for days, and I was pretty certain that it was true. Scrolling down in the comments, I could even see people questioning it too, like it was a very obvious thing that Jack didn't notice when recording or when Robin was editing.

 

Usually to calm people's worries, Jack would explain why he looked a certain way, but there was no response to the questioning. It even seemed like Jack hasn't even been active in the comments at all, or social media for that matter as well.

 

It wasn't like Jack to behave that way. It was one thing with his friends, but to his community he would never. He always had the mindset of making sure everyone was okay in the community, knowing that was his main purpose to doing YouTube. It was all about making people feel better, and I knew how passionate Jack felt about it.

 

But it doesn't follow that code if he's making everyone worry and stress out with his own condition, basically backfiring on his intent for the channel.   He's very aware how much the community cares for him and how unhappy they can be when he isn't doing physically or mentally alright. So why is he not taking care of himself?

 

It just drove a spike in my heart cause all I could think about is: Is it me? Did I do that? Was it me that made Jack's case even worse? Was it me that caused Jack to be so unhappy the past few days?

 

I didn't mean to, I was just trying to be honest and help, but it seems like my intentions didn't go according to plan and had reverse effects. I felt regretful of my choice of words that night, and wish I could've done something better in that situation. There was so many things I could of done differently to make Jack feel alright, but my idiot mind had to do the exact opposite of what I wanted.

 

This on going silence was driving me nuts, and I just wanted it to end and move on. I attempted to call Jack back, but within each day I felt more hesitant to call him and make everything worse. I underestimated Jack's sensitivity levels and that has gotten me in enough trouble as it is, maybe I should just wait for him to say something.

 

Ugh, but that's what scares me.....what if he never does. What if I just ended our friendship and fuck things ups?

 

I know it was pretty bold statements to make, but my brain kept heading to the darkest ideas that it could possible conjure up.

 

I wish I could feel like everything between me and Jack will be okay, but how can that be possible when the neither of us can feel like ourselves will okay as it is?


	10. Tornado of Frustration

***Jack's POV***

I sat on my desk's chair with my head buried in my hands, sighing deeply and rubbing my temples. I tug the headphones off my ears, and I don't even care to place them gently to the side and instead aggressively shove them away from me.

 

I've been trying to record all day and it has been a long ass process that I couldn't deal with anymore. I had rage quite 15 minutes into this new memory of footage, and was on the verge of breaking.

 

_Get out of bed without sleep.....Record videos with a pretend smile....Edit tiredly....Starve myself......_

_Repeat._

 

This has been the cycle of that have been living for the past few days and I just couldn't keep it up no more. My face has sulked in, I've lost a couple pounds, and my videos have definitely lost their energy and spark. I have ignore all the questions of it, and even some phone calls and messages from friends of mine. Everyone can notice that something was wrong. Besides it wasn't  like I hiding it all that well, it pretty much stuck out like a sore thumb.

 

It wasn't like me to be like this...yet here I was.

 

What was tearing me apart was that I knew what was causing me to be like this, and yet I kept denying it because of my selfishness. It wasn't fair to myself, to torture my body and cause such pain to the people who care about me....but also to Mark, who had been dragged along to my identity crisis while dealing with his own. It was so simple, and I made it difficult for everyone.

 

Glancing at my reflection in my monitor, my conscious speaks out loud without my will, and that's when I break.

 

"How the fuck did you let this happen to yourself....?" I tell myself, shaking my head.

 

_That's it, I can't._

_I can't take it no more!!!!_

 

I screamed at myself, pulling my hair with desperate tears on the brink of my eyes," What do you want from me?! What did I do to deserve this, just fucking tell me already! I c-can't take it anymore, I'm fucking done with this bullshit! I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus on videos or anything for that damn matter as well! JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG GODDAMNIT, PLEASE!!!"

 

Suddenly my phone buzzes and rings and I jolt and turn my face fast to the source, and of fucking course the icon shows a display of Mark's toothy grin and crinkled eyes.

 

"Agghhhh!" I yell, my eyes letting the tears fall as I grunt and stand up. "IT'S YOUR FAULT! I WISH I NEVER CALLED YOU MARK!!!"

 

I grab my phone, and throw it across the room. The loud sound of metal cracking the air.

 

I huffed out of breath from screaming, and I perk when a new feeling enters my body," That felt good..."

 

Grabbing my alarm clock I throw it at the wall, it crashing on the floor," FUCKING STUPID CLOCK, YOU DON'T HELP ME!"

 

I tug at the sheets of my bed and they laid sporadically around the room, the pillows knocking stuff off my dressers and night posts," WHAT'S THE POINT OF YOU IF I DON'T EVEN SLEEP!"

 

Grabbing my lamp I toss it on the ground, and it shatters," PIECE OF SHIT!"

 

Heaving the mattress off the bed frame and kicking things on the floor, I crave more.

 

I head down stairs into the kitchen and grab all the dishes and throw them all over the ground, and cry out," FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!"

 

Trashing my entire apartment, everything is pretty much destroyed and I'll probably regret having to replace a lot of my things and clean this mess up, but in the moment I couldn't care less.

 

It's not until gasp and grasp my hand, as a piece of broken glass slices my tender skin and severs the flesh," Goddamnit!"

 

I hold onto my hand tightly to apply pressure to the wound so I wouldn't bleed all over the place, and take a sharp breath as I lower myself to the ground in a heaps of broken sobs and defeat.

 

I was so frustrated and upset at the world for making things so complicated and I couldn't handle it anymore. Or at least I didn't want to...


	11. An Apology Is Needed

***Jack's POV***

 

After bandaging my cut and cleaning it so it wouldn't get an infection, I knew I had to man up and so I started picking the majority of my mess up while feeling severely guilty at letting my emotions control me.

 

When hearing my phone ring once more, I head to grab it and I'm surprised to find that my phone isn't broken or cracked from the harsh throw.

 

Picking it up and seeing what the hell its bugging about, I see it's Mark again trying to FaceTime, and I hold onto it letting it go to miss call. I thought I would just guilty about doing it, but I felt pure shame when I notice he had tried calling me almost several times within the past hour.

 

_He was worried....and I bet a whole lot of other people were too_

_My family....my friends....my community....._

_God, what the fuck is wrong with me?!?_

 

***ring-ring***

 

Damnit...it was Mark again. I was such an asshole to him the last time we talked, and yet he still finds the generosity to still be concerned for me as a friend.

 

_....I'm such a dick...._

Grunting as my body swung a sledge hammer directly into my heart, I couldn't handle ignoring Mark no longer. Instead of hanging up or letting it go to voicemail, I press the enter button as fast as I could before I could actually think, and held it up to show my face.

 

This could end poorly, but I think an apology is needed.

 

***

 

Mark eyes are widen at seeing the man before him and I couldn't blame him, especially the way I looked right now, with a terrible unhealthy face and a bandage on my arm.

 

_Of fucking course I answered with my injured hand..._

"I-I.....I didn't expect you to answer me...." Mark admitted, staring at me." Are you—"

 

"Mark...I'm sorry," I begin, sighing brokenly." I'm sorry for being such a fucking asshole who was so selfish to let people worry about him instead of letting people in and being vulnerable, and I just feel so shitty for letting it go on for so long and knew I should of stopped it and I didn't, which just made me feel even worse cause I know I hurt a lot of people I care about, and—"

 

"Sean!" Mark cried out, pulling me out of my endless rambling." Sean please...breath friend. In and out, okay."

 

I didn't realize I was actually shaking and breathing irregular before Mark pointed it out, and I knew I was on a verge of a panic attack.

 

"Hey, hey! Look at me Sean and take deep inhales and exhales, follow along alright?" Mark commanded me, and I nodded quickly as I followed his chest, trying to match his rhythm." In....out....in....out.....Its okay Sean, you're going to be okay. Listen to the sound of my voice and concentrate on breathing, okay? You're doing great, I believe in you."

 

I listen to every word Mark told me, making sure I did exactly what he had told me, and within a couple of terrible minutes of feeling suffocated with stress, I was able to calm down and think properly.

 

"Are you...okay now, buddy?" Mark whispered with a sad smile.

 

Sighing, I close my eyes and shake my head"......yeah...thank you and s-sorry about that."

 

"Don't apologize for your emotions, Sean," Mark exclaimed." We're human, don't forget that we can be perfectly okay all the time, we have to have bad days in order to have good days."

 

"Well it seems like it's been a whole lot of bad days recently. I am anxiously waiting for when the good days will return," I say, looking away from Mark's gaze." IF they ever return."

 

"Now, Sean...don't talk like that, things will get better—" Mark begun, but I cut him off.

 

"How do you know?!" I snap, rubbing my face." I don't understand how you can be so chill about this, when I'm over here getting my panties in a bunch."

 

Mark shrugs," I guess it's because...I don't give a fuck really. Honestly I don't care about opinions, and I don't plan on just giving up! I wanna be happy...but in order to do that, I know I have to make an effort on trying to solve what has been making me feel terrible."

 

"I—" I begin saying, but feel too reluctant to continue my fighting, so I just looking away" .......I'm fine....."

 

I can sense his frowning and it tugs at me harshly, and it starts a battle within Mark's warm soul and my damn stubbornness, and predictably, you can probably tell who's gonna win.

 

"Goddamnit, I hate when you do that!" I admitted, finally looking back at the older man's chocolate brown eyes.

 

They crinkled up at the comment and I feel slightly better, because of the judgement-free aura that those eyes offer.

 

"It's a gift some say," Mark chuckles, waving it off.

 

"More like a fucking pain in my ass," I say to Mark, who which gives me a look." S-Sorry...uh go ahead and say what you wanna say."

 

Mark nods and smiles slightly," Alright, thanks."

 

"Floors yours bud," I exhale and pint towards him to let him release his opinion.

 

"Okay, uh....so I think we need to vent out to one another and fix whatever this is," Mark says, pointing around him metaphorically and I shake my hand in understandability." And we need to finally ease the awkward tension. Can...we do that?"

 

I breathe in and try to stay positive minded, giving him a bright genuine grin that I haven't done in a while" ......yeah."


	12. Understanding

***Mark's POV***

"So...." Jack asked, feeling a bit awkward"......what first?"

"How are you doing right now? Physical and mental health wise. And please be honest, okay?" I tell him, being stern." And then I can go next."

"Really?" Jack says, slightly making a unenthusiastic face.

"Yes, I thinks it's very important to know how we're doing, so we can avoid triggering one another, unlike last time we talked," I informed him, remembering the guilt I felt last time." I underestimated your sensitivity Jack, and I truly apologize if I crossed the line. So I think we do need to elaborate on how we're doing physically and especially mentally."

"Mark, that's kind of you to be considerate...but I don't think it's necessary to discuss that," he said, chuckling like he was shy.

I grin with uncertain eyebrows," Uh thanks, but I still would like to talk about how we're doing. So you can go ahead and start."

"We really don't have to," Jack said, trying to avoid the topic.

I shook my head, and frowned disagreeing," Uh no, I think we really should, Jack. I'm serious."

"I am too," Jack implied, persistent to move on.

"Why are you trying to avoid this?" I asked.

"I'm not!" he belted out in denial.

"Then go ahead," I said, gesturing my hand for him to begin.

"Why do I have to first?" Jack whined like a toddler, cringing.

I sighed," Really?"

He responded with a stubborn," YES."

I rolled my eyes, getting annoyed by Jack's stalling, "Because you asked what do we do first?"

He crossed his arms and huffed".....I don't know—"

"Jack please don't do this now, we barely started," I said with a frown.

"Well I'm sorry that I'm slightly more uneasy than you about this!" he snaps.

"Sean..." I say quietly in a tone that Sean recognizes.

It was something I did to a lot of my friends when they were overthinking and analyzing every minute detail, and by using this tone they have learn to remember to breath and calm down. It was like a way of saying, 'I'm not judging you in anyway and it's okay to be honest.'

Truthfully I use it on Sean more than anyone, cause usually he is one to get anxious about disappointing people and hates being vulnerable around others.

Despite him hating when I use this tone, it works every time.

"Sorry.." he hangs his head low.

"Hey, it's okay. We'll take this one step at a time, alright?" I said with a reassuring smile, and he nods." I'll go first Jack, if it makes you feel more comfortable."

He grins in gratefulness," Thanks, Mark."

"So physical health, I have gotten a bit more headaches because of induce stress. Don't worry it's not about you, just stupid stuff for the channel and new setups. And mental health has just been me worrying over everything a lot, channel related, s-sexuality related, and uh kinda about our last discussion," I said, being as honest as possible." See, not too hard eh? Now you don't have to go into exact detail of why, just try to explain in the best way you can. Are you able to do that, or is it too much?"

Jack gulps but nods his head".....no, it's perfectly fine. I'm okay, I got this."

"Take your time and stop whenever you want to," I tell him, to make sure he doesn't push himself.

"Thanks...So uh, physical health has been me...starving myself, not enough sleep, and a stupid cut from a rage in the house, inherence the bandage on the arm. I already cleaned up and the cut it's deep or anything, just a scratch so that's that. And, um, mental health is just some induce anxiety and minor depression from...questioning if I'm—uh, my sexuality and t-that stuff," he explains, his voice shaking." Uh that's it."

"Okay, this is a start," I say, happy at progress." We're doing good, Jack. So now that we know more about what to be careful of, let's just ask a question each and then we'll wrap this up in a bit."

"Okay uh," Jack began thinking, scrunching his forehead in concentration, and finally he perks with an idea." How did you stay calm after 'that night' where you questioned yourself for the first time?"

I though before saying my answer and shrugged my shoulders," I'm not too sure to be honest. I was really close to have a meltdown here and there, and there have been times where I would consider shutting myself up in my room all day and forget the outside world. But....I think what has kept me grounded throughout the process is my desperation. I want to be proud and happy in life Jack, and you probably do to. So we have to take control of our lives and keep striving forward, no matter how badly we want to just crumble up and give up. I truly believe we'll get through."

"I see...." Jack smiles and I swear his eyes begin to glisten, but looks away." Um, go ahead and ask your question."

I already had one, but I wasn't sure that it would be too much for Jack right now. We were finally going on a path of working to get better, and the last thing I want to do it fuck it all up.

Jack recognizes my uncertainty and speaks up," Mark...just say whatever is on your mind."

I hesitated for a brief moment but spoke up," W-Why did you hang up on me the last time we talked....?"

Jack shuffled in his seat a bit, and he whispered," Because.....I was scared."

"Scared of what?" I asked gently, not to trigger anything.

".......I-I......I c-can't tell you everything right now, but I will eventually," Jack admitted." But it kinda has something to do about....experimenting my sexuality....."

_Oh fuck....this could end badly.....but I'm gonna say it......_


	13. Let’s Do It Together?

***Mark's POV***

I don't even know for sure where the idea came from, but I was going to say it. 

"Jack....let's do it together...." I say, regretting my choice of words immediately.

"T-Together?" Jack said confused." What do you mean—"

I cut him off, and just spoke without thinking," Look...we both are scare to experiment with strangers and can't risk being publicly outed if we aren't even sure. So...why not when you come down to America next month for VidCon, we do it t-together?"

Jack stays quite, and I can't dare look at his face. I want to speak, but I can't seem to open my mouth after saying something so insane and weird to a good friend of mine. I knew it was really stupid, and yet I talked anyway.

_Fucking kill me please..._

At a time like this, I wouldn't mind God striking me with a lightening bolt right about now.

_Seriously, just fucking kill me...._

Debating on hanging up or fake laughing like it was a joke, I'm met with  a soft voice ringing through my phone.

"That....actual doesn't sound like a bad idea...." Jack whispers.

I look up and see Jack actual perked up at my suggestion, and I can't believe out of all possibilities that could've just happened, this is the one reality choose. And honestly, I'm really fucking grateful and also concerned.

"It's not absurd to say we should fuck???" I said bluntly.

"Well when you say it like that, it does!" Jack blushes.

"I'M SORRY, THAT WAS REALLY WEIRD," I squealed, eternally face palming.

Jack groans," If you thought it was absurd than why did you even bring it up?"

"I don't know, maybe cause I'm stupid!" I exhale and rub my forehead.

Jack replied," That I can agree on."

"Hey you gave it a thought!" I reminded him.

He seemed caught off guard and stuttered," W-Well I don't know, I-I..uh...I wasn't u-um.."

I sighed loudly," Why is it lately our conversations always end up like this?"

"Because you have no fucking shame, big mouth," Sean rolls his eyes.

"Shut up!" I snap." It's not my fault you get all confuckled for my honesty."

"Oh no, I have every right to blame you. Anyone would have the same reaction!" Jack belts out.

"No they wouldn't!" I said.

"YES, they would!" Jack persist.

"Cry baby," I muttered.

"Are you serious?" Jack says, irritated.

"R ye sewious?" I say in a mocking tone.

Jack cries out in frustration," OH MY GOD, you're literally fucking three."

"Ah ma gwad—" I begin to say mockingly before I'm interrupted by Jack's yelling.

"FOR FUCK SAKES MARK, this is getting us no where!!!!" Jack says, and I'm taken back because well, he's not wrong.

Our constant bickering has got us in enough trouble and has delayed priorities. We kept acting like children about simple things, and just being plain dumb. We need to step up to the plate already and face reality head on, or we both are going to be trapped in this loop forever.

"Alright, alright....I'm sorry Sean," I apologize, realizing how stupid I was being." Your right, this is getting us no where. It's time we grow the fuck up, and take this seriously..."

"Yes," Jack shook his head in appliance." We are both stubborn as hell, and it's making us fight. We need to take a chill pill and handle this like adults."

"I...can do that. Truce?" I say with hope.

Jack grins slightly," Truce."

"Good, actual great. Um, so...Let's discuss more then, right?" I said.

"Right. Okay, well let us get more into your plan and be thorough," Jack says.

"Well honestly...I haven't got that far into the though," I informed him.

Jack waved it off," It's alright, we can dedicated another day to exact detail of what we are comfortable doing. For now, let's just talk about a date we can meet and d-do this." 

"Uh okay," I spoke, trying to gather a logical idea." Let's start off with improvising, and later we can alter this to go more smoothly."

Jack gave a quick nod, and I continued.

"You can spend two weeks at my house before VidCon, and the fours days of the convention, we'll book a hotel together," I offered.

Jack nods, and adds," Yeah. We'll take steps of experimentation during the weeks at your house."

I smile," Alright, sounds good. We can also go over what we learn and evaluate certain stuff that stood out."

"That will be great," Jack admits.

I continue," Then during the convention we can test what we have learned mentally. Seeing if we find the same things we learned together to work on um, other p-people and see if it checks out."

"Smart, that's convenient," Jack says." Even if we are out around the town of Anaheim, we can test out our theories."

"Right," I agree.

"We will just keep this between us only," Jack exclaims." And friends can't know either. They don't really need to know this business, we are just doing this to learn more about ourselves, that's all."

"Definitely! It's no friends with benefits kinda shit, just two friends helping each other through a crisis," I chime nervously.

"Yup...exactly," Jack replies uncertainly.

It went dead quiet after that for some reason. We smiled awkwardly at one another, and nodded as we waited for someone else to continue speaking. And each time someone did try to speak, we end up starting at the same time and it would all fall apart, so then we would end up just giving up. 

_This...just got weird, huh...?_

"Welp goodnight!" We said in unison, and hung up.

_What the actual fuck just happened???_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seemed rush! I didn't have a lot of time to write today, and I wanted to post at least something. I would usually put off a chapter til another day, just so it would come out better, but I wouldn't be able to post til like Wednesday so I apologize. It sucks that I've been so busy lately, but I'm trying my best XD ;-;


	14. AUTHOR’S NOTE

Hi guys, it’s ShatterStars_01 here. This isn’t a new chapter of It’s Okay to Be Curious, this is just a little update.

Um, so recently one of my Tios (In English I think it’s Uncle) has past away. So I will be spending this weekend with my family to mourn this loss, and celebrate his life together. And don’t worry about me, I’m doing alright, just helping my Dad process cause he is taking it the hardest. My Tio practically raised my dad cause his own father was abusive, so my Dad consider my Tio to be a father figure to him. Just please keep my family in your thoughts, that’s all I could really ask for.

Reason why I’m explaining this, is cause I don’t have anything ready to post and won’t have the time or energy to really write right now. I’ll try to get back on track by next Saturday, it just right now, I would like to be there for my family.

I hope you guys can understand, and wait a little for the continuation of It’s Okay To Be Curious. Thank you for reading <:)


	15. Arrival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to quickly thank everyone for the patiences for the next chapter and for the kind words, it truly means a lot. And I also want to say a big thanks to everyone reading, we just hit 1K+ hits! I’m not one to pay attention to the views on my books, but 1K is a big number and I just feel so grateful for everyone reading this story, and that I truly appreciate each and everyone one of you <3
> 
> Alright, I’ll stop rambling, enjoy the new chapter :’D

***Mark's POV***

 

**~A Month Later~**

 

_*ding*_

 

Pulling out my phone, I click my home button to see a new message received just now. Clicking on it, it opens to Jack's recent text.

 

**[Text Messages]**

**Jack: Hey, the plane just landed, and I'm getting off already.**

**Jack: I should see you in a few minutes!**

**Jacks: I'm wearing a black hoodie and ripped jeans, with a backwards hat.**

**Jack: So if you spot me, just wave :P**

**Mark: Okay, thanks**

**Mark: See you soon :)**

**Jack: yah**

**Jack: Bye**

**[End Of Messages]**

 

I exit my messages app and press the off button to my device, and the screen goes black. Pocketing my phone in my right pocket, I sigh heavily in both tiredness, because it is 6:00am in the morning, and because of the sudden stress I was sensing.

 

"Just calm down, Mark. There's nothing to be nervous about, we're not doing anything today.." I whispered to myself, fidgeting with my hands." Just be cool when he gets here, BE cool."

 

Shaking my head, I couldn't help but to begin pacing back and forth by the terminal at the airport, waiting for Jack's arrival. My nerves were as high as the roof and my stomach felt like it was carrying dumbbells, making me feel extremely lightheaded with anxiety.

 

"You can do this, stay strong," I said to myself, repeating encouraging words out loud." At least be strong for him...we can do this, I-I know we can."

 

"Mark?" a voice intruded.

 

Turning my head towards the source of the noise, I spot a man with Jack's description. The man turns around and his eyes widen when recognizing me. I gulp slightly, but quickly change to a smile at the sight of the face of my friend and wave like he instructed me to.

 

He smiled back and raced over to me, entering in with a warm embrace.

 

"It's good to see you dude," he says happily into my ear, his arms around my neck.

 

Shocked at first, I grew stun, but within a second I quickly hugged back.

 

Wrapping my arms around him as well, I responded," You too bud."

 

"It's been way too long since we have seen each other in person," he mentions.

 

I agreed," Yeah, it has...huh."

 

Pulling away and patting each other on the back, we release.

 

When looking away to take in our surroundings, we notice a few people staring at us strangely. It felt weird having eyes on us, especially knowing full well what they were thinking.

 

Turning to look at Jack, I defiantly notice an uncomfortable shift in his posture, and felt bad for letting him endure this. So pushing my nerves down, I ignored the glances around me so I could help Jack with his stuff, and get the hell out of this judge-mental place that was full of people who were making unnecessary assumptions.

 

"Here let me get that," I said, going for Jack's suitcases.

 

"You don't—" he began, shaking his head and reaching for his bags, but I swiped them and took off before he could protest.

 

"Too late! Come on slow-poke, I'm hungry," I shouted, already making my way to the car with Jack screaming behind me in unbelief.

 

"Goddamn it, Mark.." Jack muttered, rolling his eyes and re-positioning his duffel bag in his shoulder, following along with no choice.

 

Reaching the car, I grab my keys from my coat's pocket and pop open the trunk. Heaving the two bulky suitcases into the car, Jack also places his duffel bag inside and then turns to me.

 

"I have functional hands you know," he groaned in frustration." I didn't need you to carry all my stuff for me."

 

"Well technically I didn't carry all your stuff, just your suitcases. You still got to carry your duffel bag, like a BIG boy," I teased, shutting the trunk and walking towards the driver's side.

 

Jack walked away also, chuckling," Shut up."

 

I laughed along, getting inside the car while Jack got in the passenger's seat. Shutting the doors and buckling up, I begin pulling out of the driveway of the Los Angles airport, and begin driving towards the freeway.

 

"So..what are you in the mood for for breakfast?" I ask Jack, but keeping my attention on the road.

 

"Um," Jack ponders," I'm not really sure, I kinda just want food, haha."

 

"Me too," I said, my stomach feeling quite empty now.

 

"How bout you pick a place you like and surprise me?" Jack suggests." I can't think of anywhere particularly anyway, and I'm not too aware of what's around here either."

 

I nod my head," Alright, we can do that."

 

"Sounds like a plan then," Jack says, and I can just sense the grin he has own his face right now.

 

So I reply with a grin as well," Yeah.."

 

_Nice, we're hanging out like normal friends, and it's not weird......guess I should value this before the upcoming days arrive as well....._


	16. Comfort Food or Cringe Food?

***Jack's POV***

 

"The Broken Yolk?" I said, with a raise eyebrow.

 

"Yup!" Mark replied." Hope you're really hungry, cause the food here is GINORMOUS."

 

My stomach growling loud enough for both to hear, my cheeks redden.

 

"I'm gonna take that as a yes," Mark chuckled.

 

"Yeah...I'm on a strict diet of not eating disgusting plane food," I sarcastically said," so I haven't eaten in anything in quite a few hours."

 

"Well prepare to eat a feast my friend," he smiled, while opening his door.

 

Unbuckling my seat belt, I followed along and we both enter the breezy restaurant, the air smelling wonderfully of many delicious foods.

 

Walking towards us, was a young man dressed in apron, and what I assume was an employee of this place.

 

"Hello, gentlemen," he began with a smile."Party of?"

 

"Two," me and Mark said together unintentionally.

 

"Alrighty, well my name is Gerald, I'll be your waiter today,"  he said, then looked over at me."Um, would you guys prefer a booth or a table?"

 

Stun a bit, I freeze and stutter," U-Uh.."

 

Not knowing the answer to the that, I turn to Mark for help with pleading eyes. He gives me a reassuring look, and gratefully takes over for me.

 

"A booth please," he decided.

 

The young man shakes his head in understanding, and spoke," Follow me please."

 

Walking behind the waiter, I mouth the words 'thank you' to Mark, and he quietly laughs.

 

Being brought to a booth by a window, we both take our seats. Gerald places two menus down for us to glance at, he meanwhile takes out a notepad and a pen behind his ear to jot our order.

 

"What can I start you out with to drink?" he asks.

 

"I'll take a orange juice please," Mark says.

 

Writing that down, he then looks at me.

 

I reply,"I'll take a black coffee please."

 

Closing his notepad, he grins," Okay, I'll be right back with your drinks.”

 

"Thank you," me and Mark said in unison.

 

As our waiter walked away, we then turned our attention to one another. And it got quiet...

 

"So...how you been?" Mark said, not really sure where to to start.

 

"Better, uh, how bout you?" I asked.

 

"About the same, I guess," he said, scratching his neck.

 

"Cool..." I nodded.

 

Well this got awkward.

 

"Jack," Mark sighed." I don't won't you to feel weird around me throughout your visit. I know it will probably be difficult, considering we are gonna have uh sex-"

 

Startling the both of us, Gerald appears," Here are your drinks. Are you guys ready to order?"

 

“Shit—“Mark squeaked, knocking over his utensils that were beside him, quickly hurrying to pick them up.” Sorry!”

 

Trying to distract the waiter to help Mark out, I stuttered out,” We’re r-ready to eat! Or at least I-I am, uh....Yeah, ready to order. Or do we need more time—“

 

“N-no!” Mark said loudly intentionally, then sighed to calm himself.” No. We’re good.”

 

“Okay?” Gerald laughed confused.” We sure?”

 

"U-Uh, yeah," I stumbled, hoping the waiter didn't hear what we were talking about earlier.

 

Signaling us that he was ready, he begins,” Alright, what will we be having today?”

 

Breathing out to steady myself, I talk normally,” I'll have the Pancake Combo, eggs sunny side up and wheat bread please."

 

"Of course," the man said, writing it down then moving over to Mark." And you sir?"

 

Mark looked at the menu, finally relaxing and read," I'll have the supreme omelette, please, and with extra cheese."

 

Finishing with a smile, Gerald shakes his head," Okie dokie, I'll be back with your orders soon. Any refills for now?"

 

"No thank you," I informed, while Mark just shook his head no.

 

Bowing briefly, Gerald takes off towards the kitchen to prepare our meals and I release a breath I didn't realize I was holding for so long.

 

"Mark....please watch what you say around in public," I exclaimed, burying my head into my hands." We don't if anyone here knows who were are, and the last thing we need right now is a bad controversy about us. The fans already like to think we mess around, let's not start something we know we can't handle.”

 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so loud " Mark apologizes and lowers his head, feeling a bit guilty.

 

I felt a bit bad with my tone, and sigh while grabbing his hand," It's okay."

 

He looks up slightly and smiles"....thanks."

 

Letting go, I proclaim," How bout we eat first and enjoy each other's company, and when we settle in at the house, we can chat. How's that?"

 

Mark grins brightly,"That...would be great."

_What the fuck did we get ourselves into???_


	17. Planning is Important.....and Awkward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is a bit late, it’s a long one!

***Jack's POV***

 

After eating a delicious breakfast, Mark and I go to pay the bill. Fighting deliberately about who treats who, we come to a compromise to just split the bill. Eyeing each other, we leave the building.

 

"Damn you’re stubborn," said Mark, as he held open the door for me, exiting the Broken Yolk.

 

"You're not any better as well, Fischbach," I said rolling my eyes." I could've paid for our breakfast myself! I am staying at your house after all, using your electricity and eating your food for free.”

 

"Don't worry about it," Mark shook his head." Let's just at least make it to the house."

 

Getting in the car, we buckle up and back out of the driveway to head to Mark's place.

 

Sighing loudly I speak," God..I don't know how we are going to get through this without killing each other."

 

"Me neither," Mark agreed." I hope I don't wake up with a knife at my throat when you're fed up with my bull."

 

I smiled creepily and laugh maniacally as a joke," No promises, hehe."

 

Mark cringed," I'm gonna lock my room's door every night. That face alone is fucking terrify."

 

"Rum?" I chuckle, with an eyebrow." Your gonna lock your rum?"

 

Mark groaned, glaring at me," Don't even start with how the way I pronounce 'room,' alright? Or you might be the one waking up with a knife at your throat."

 

"Fine, fine!" I laugh, raising my hands up in the air in defense." Believe me, I've gotten worse. Being Irish and all, haha."

 

Seeing Mark grin sinisterly, I already see the knobs turning in his head and I can see his face twist up, ready to be offensive and mock me.

 

"Don't you dare talk in the leprechaun accent Mark, or I swear to Mary that I'm gonna jump out this moving vehicle," I said in a serious voice, holding up my finger.

 

Mark's mouth is open, ready to say something, but he quickly shuts it and whimpers with a mad pout," You're no fun."

 

I laugh at his face, beckoning forward while I clutch my stomach for air. I can see his resistance, but soon his mad pout turns into a defeated smile and he joins me.

 

Calming down, I look towards him and I savor the wholesome moment.

 

_This...this is nice.....really nice._

 

"Jack?" Mark says.

 

"Huh?" I said, not catching what he said earlier.

 

He giggles at my dumbfound face," I said we're here."

 

Looking in front of us, I can see through the car's front that we are already parked in the garage. I didn't even realize we were already at Mark's house. Guess I was staring at Mark much longer that I thought, with more attention that I thought...

 

"You okay?" Mark says with brief concern.

 

Turning back to him, I nod"....yeah, I'm good.

 

***

 

Closing the the dresser's drawer, I heave in happiness. I'm finally settled in and everything is unpack for these few next weeks, and I back up to look around.

 

I was standing in Mark's guest room, taking in the warm welcoming atmosphere it had. Mark said that he needed to make a thumbnail for today's video, and that in the mean time I could unpack and explore the house. I told him I'll unpack my suitcases first, and then later when we're both ready we can discuss plans for our experimental weeks together.

 

_Experimental weeks..... together.....huh...?_

 

The realization of the situation weighed differently then I expected. I thought when I would arrive, Mark and I would both would be weirded out by this, and that there would be a whole lot of tension between the two of us, but it was oddly not the case. It was just me and Mark hanging out like always. Bickering like kids and joking around sarcastically. It felt...normal. Too normal.

 

But then again we haven't done anything yet, that was to actually be discuss later on today after dinner. I mean, it won't get any realer than when we and Mark have officially done...'it.'

 

_God I should stop thinking about this...._

 

Making an executive decision, I head to where I had saw Mark disappeared to. Seeing the door just cracked, I push gently and speak out.

 

"Hey.." I whispered, not wanting to be too loud.

 

Mark spins in his chair, and looks at me, his attention pulled off of his monitor's screen.

 

"Hey," he responds." You done yet?"

 

"Uh, yeah," I answered." And you?"

 

"Just finishing up," he said pointing at the thumbnail that I presumed was for a horror game he played." I order some pizza for dinner tonight, I hope you don't mind."

 

"I could NEVER mind pizza," I exclaimed.

 

Mark laughed," I thought so."

 

"Are we...." I begin with hesitation"....still gonna discuss plans after dinner?"

 

Mark nodded," Yes, we are. We have two weeks before Vidcon, and I thought we start as soon as possible. But I want to make sure we both on the right page, and prepared. It's important to plan first, I think."

 

"Me too," I replied." Just wanted to double check."

 

"Yeah, that's totally fine," Mark said." Pizza should be here soon, and I'm just wrapping up here as well. So go ahead and make yourself at home for the meanwhile. You can watch TV in the living room and I'll catch up with you in a bit."

 

"Okay," I smiled." Thanks."

 

"It's no problem, Sean," Mark said genuinely.

 

I felt giddy and warm when he said that, and left in a heartbeat out of embarrassment.

 

Closing the door behind me, I rest my back against the wall, clenching my shirt and my face feeling flush. I gulped slightly and blinked quickly at the weird reaction.

 

_What the fuck...?_

 

***

 

"Man, that hit the spot," Mark said, stretching and patting his belly.

 

"Yeah, that was some good pizza dude," I exclaimed." Thanks again for dinner."

 

"No problem, bud," Mark replied." Been craving pizza lately anyway. It's real convenient that you're here, so I wouldn't have to feel like a fat piece of shit and finish the box, haha."

 

"Glad I could help," I chuckled.

 

"So you think you're ready now?" Mark asked.

 

"Huh?" I said, confused.

 

Mark tilted his head in annoyance," To plan, remember?"

 

I blushed," Right! I almost forgot, haha.."

 

"So...do you think tomorrow we can start?" Mark said, uncertain.

 

I choked a bit," Um...tomorrow?"

 

Mark scratched his neck," Is that too soon?"

 

"No," I said, you know like a liar.

 

"Okay, um so we can start with first base," Mark said, a bit shy." So you know...kissing and light feeling. Nothing too extreme."

 

I swallowed," Sounds good to me."

 

"Cool.." Mark replied"...then in maybe four days after that we can go to more...risqué feeling."

 

"You mean..handjobs?" I winced lightly, hoping that’s what he was sugarcoating.

 

Mark coughed slightly," Yeah, that."

 

Getting the flow, I feel guilty for Mark and help out by participating," That would be Friday, so we can wait till maybe the upcoming Monday to do um, oral..."

 

"Yes, that should be fine," Mark shakes his head a little too fast." Then we will save Wednesday and Friday for the actual 'thing.' You know um, actual penetration......wow, that sounded a lot weirder out loud."

 

"Yeah agree, but um quick question," I asked." Why two days..?"

 

"Well we both should have turns of receiving and giving, you know? Only seems fair and true to the experimentation," he answers.

 

I let a soundless 'oh' come out, and nod in understanding.

 

"Think that's all, right...?" Mark says, his voice a bit quiet.

 

"Um, do you already have...stuff?" I ask, hoping he does so we don’t have to go out and get it.

 

"Stuff?" Mark says, raising a brow.

 

I exhale," Preparation stuff?"

 

"Oh you mean, uh lube and condoms," he proclaims, feeling embarrassed that he didn’t catch it the first time.

 

I face palm myself," Yes...that."

 

"Uh yeah," Mark shakes his head." Just bought them the other day, so we’re good on that."

 

"Cool..." I say, smiling with fear of hope.

 

"Cool," Mark says as well, his nerves being very noticeable.

 

And then of course that sweet sweet silence that made every fiber of me wanna jump off a climb into a bunch of sharp pointy rocks that were also surrounded by starving sharks and hungry piranhas. You know the kind???

 

_I don't think this is going to go as smooth as we hoped....._


	18. We’re Ready!

***Mark’s POV***

 

My eyes fluttering open, my pupils begin to focus on my surroundings. The light streaming from between the curtains signals me that it’s time to get up. I sit up in bed, tossing the comforters out of the way, and rub the tiredness from my face and then stretch my cramp muscles. Grabbing my glasses from my nightstand, consciousness begins.

 

Time to start the day.

 

Walking down the stairs, I hear noise down below in the living room. I quirk my brow in utter confusion when I see a bright and energetic pup run towards me, her tail shaking her entire body in happiness.

 

“Good morning Beepo,” I grin, giving her generous pats on the head and loving scratches on her chin.” Nice to see you too.”

 

Turning my attention away from the excited Chica, I look up to see a sleepy Jack standing in front of me.

 

“Hey,” I grinned.

 

“Mornin’....” Jack said, fiddling with his thumbs.” Uh, hope you don’t mind that I already ate. I still haven’t adjusted to the time zone, so I woke up a bit too early.”

 

“It’s totally okay,” I reassured.” I was just gonna have coffee and a bowel cereal.”

 

“Well I haven’t finished my coffee so I’ll join you,” Jack proclaimed.

 

“Ok,” I replied, making my way towards the kitchen cabinets.

 

Jack followed only to sit down at the breakfast bar countertop with his cup of coffee in hand. Making my a quick bowel of Corn Flakes, I pour myself a cup of piping hot black coffee that Jack had brewed earlier and take a seat beside him.

 

“Also I forgot to tell you, I took Chica out already,” Jack mentions.

 

“You didn’t have to do that..” I implied.

 

Jack waved me off,” Well I wanted to, and she was kinda asking me to anyway.”

 

“Thanks,” I said sincerely.” You probably just saved me from waking up to shit on the floor.”

 

“No problem,” he laughed, raising his cup to his lips.” She’s a delight.”

 

“Yeah she is,” I say, looking at my precious dog.” I honestly can’t see my life without her anymore. She makes me extremely happy.”

 

“She’s got a whole lot of charisma my dude. I swear she softened me up into giving her some bacon this mornin’ with those puppy eyes of hers,” Jack shares.

 

I chuckle,” Yup, that’s Chica. She may be an angel at times, but she’s got that heathen side of her alright.”

 

Jack shakes his head,” I’d believe it.”

 

***

 

The morning was spent making small talk about YouTube and future plans, and overall just enjoying each other’s company. It was nice having moments like these. Especially with our job, it can be kinda isolated to just be inside all day and not interacting with people in person. Yeah we chat with online friends through social medias, but it’s not the same experience then when it is in real life. It honestly can be pretty lonesome sometimes.

 

“Dude I swear, it feels like we haven’t hang out like this in ages,” Jack admits.

 

“Yeah it does....Last time we did, you had bright green hair,” I say, ruffling his hair, while I go sink to wash our dishes.

 

“Yup, and you looked like a walking blueberry,” Jack jokes.

 

“God, my white towels were ruined with all the hair colors I had. I don’t know why I didn’t go out and buy black ones that wouldn’t show!” I say, feeling utterly stupid.

 

“I don’t know either,” Jack laughs.” It kinda seems just like common sense.”

 

“Well that I obviously do not have,” I say.

 

“Aww, don’t worry Mark. They’ll one day find the cure for dumbness,” Jack says in a joking manner.

 

Dipping my hands more into the water, I spray at Jack and he cowers.

 

“Hey that’s cold!” he squeals.

 

“Continue being mean and Jack will be soaked with water,” I threaten.

 

“Fine, fine! I’ll stop being a twat,” he giggles, holding his hands up in defense.

 

“Thanks,” I said, smiling.

 

_The path me and Jack are on, is looking pretty good right now. I know by tonight, we will be set. We’re ready!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seemed rushed, I’ve been busy lately and I wanted to stay in schedule and at least post something, AHHHH ;-;


	19. We're Not Ready.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it surprising that I post late again....nope :'D

***Mark's POV***

_We're not ready...._

After a long day, we finally got the courage to sit down, and try and make it happen. We decided to watch a movie first to relax ourselves and distract the nervous thoughts, and it worked....briefly. When I turned to check on Sean after a heated scene, I think it reminded him harshly of what we would be doing. I reached out a hand to comfort him, and he slapped at me. I could see the guilt in his eyes, along with fear and embarrassment. Before I could tell him it was alright, he pulled at his hair and began to cry. Standing up, he dashed to the guest bathroom and locked himself in. I banged on the door, feeling bad and frustrated.

"Jack, come out of the bathroom!" I begged.

"N-No..I can't," he replied.

"You can't what?" I asked, crossing my arms.

He whined," Mark I can't...I just can't!"

"Jack I'm here, I'll be right there with you the entire time," I reassured." You can."

"Easy for you to say!" Jack snapped.

"Are you kidding me?" I chuckled at the response." Jack..you don't think I'm not scared as well?"

"It don't seem like it...." he said quietly." You're all calm and collective, and I'm over here getting my panties in a bunch."

"Sean..I'M scared," I said seriously." I might not show it, but I'm freaking out so badly in the inside. You have NO idea how badly I want to give up and just crumble into a heaping mess."

"Then how are you still standing?" he asked, not understanding.

"If I want to be better, then I'm gonna have to do it myself," I exclaimed." No one can do it for me, I have to do it. You get what I mean?"

"It's so fucking painful, Mark....I just want it all to stop!" his voiced cracked.

I sighed" ......I know..."

"I-I....I want to do this Mark, I really do..." Jack admitted, sniffling a bit.

"Then please come out here and join me," I said, with a hopeful smile." We can talk more on the couch."

I felt Jack's hesitance in the air, but when seeing the bathroom's doorknob turn, I felt relief. He stepped out, rubbing his nose with his sleeve. At this instant, Jack looked like a small child who appeared guilty for having a melt down. It made me smile and hold out my arms. He sniffled again, and his face began to contour into a frown. Waltzing into my embrace, he buried his head into my shoulder and weep. I wrapped my arms around him, but he remained his arms to the side. Patting his back with a small laugh, I released him.

"Feeling better now?" I question with a grin.

He nodded and smiled," Yeah...thank you."

"Come on you bubble blowing baby," I said, dragging him by his arm to the living room.

I pulled him at a faster pace then he could keep up with, causing him to stumble a bit on the way," Mark.."

"Sit," I ordered, gesturing at him with my hand.

"Mark-" he began but I shook my head.

"Nope, you're not gonna fight with me. Not this time," I told him.

Sitting down with a pout, he lowered his head" ....fine."

"I've noticed we have some communication problems," I said.

"No shit Sherlock," Jack responded, then winced." Sorry..."

"It's alright," I said, waving it off.

"But yeah I get what you mean," he said, shifting his body towards me.

"So..let's make a deal," I said.

Jack perked," A d-deal?"

"Yes. A deal that we promise to tell each other the truth no matter what," I began." If we keep bottling up the anxiety and nerves and keep lying to each that we are fine, then we will get no where. There would be no reason to keep this up if we keep falling back to square one. I need you to be honest with me...please."

He begins to open his mouth like he was about mention something significant, but shuts it quickly and reddens. He lowers his head in shame, and holds himself away.

I rolled my eyes," Jack..."

Nothing.

"Jack, look at me," I said sternly.

Still nothing.

"Sean," I say, raising my voice with the tone he doesn't like.

He flinches, but keeps his head down.

"If you changed your mind about this, I won't be mad," I exhaled.

He doesn't say anything nor does he shows any change, and I clench my fist, clearly fed up. I begin to get up from my spot and walk away to my room to sulk, but before I could even take a step, I feel a tight grasp on my arm. It held onto to me with desperation, and I turn my head to face the source.

"Mark....I want to do this....please, don't go," Jack said, before raising his head up.

His eyes are puffy and his cheeks are stained with recent tears that have dried up. My heart tugs at the image and I want to be sympathetic like always, but this time a thought interrupted.  At this point, I wasn't sure I could trust Jack anymore. He keeps going back and forth on what he really wants, being extremely bipolar. Getting mad at me out of nowhere, having short temper breaks, and shutting down on me without warning. 

I grunt, "Why should I keep risking myself by doing this? I feel like I'm just an emotional punching bag to you, Jack!" 

His eyes turn downward," I'm sorry that I've been making you feel like this, I know I haven't been considerate lately. I hope you can find it in you and forgive me."

 Staring at his eyes with uncertainty, I search for the truth. And deep down in the pupils of Jack's bright eyes, I find it. A blue lit fire of determination, flaring inside of him. I was doubtful, but also hopeful.

"Alright...but under one condition," I said.

"And that is?" he asks.

"You promise me to always tell me the truth, no matter what," I told him.

"......I promise," he smiled.


	20. AUTHOR’S NOTE: Update

Hey guys.

 

I want to apologize for the lack of posting for this story, and for leaving without a word for a while. I know you guys really like this story, and I always read all your comments and I feel mighty grateful for each and everyone one of you. I’m sorry...cause you guys deserve better.

 

Truthfully, I’ve been burned out recently. And my writing hasn’t been the best, at least to me it hasn’t. I want to feel proud of what I post, and make sure I do the best I can do for you guys. Lately I haven’t been doing that with these recent chapters, hence the reason why I haven’t been posting.

 

I only hope to be back to writing soon, and to give you guys the good quality reading content you all deserve. I’m not leaving permanently and I’m definitely gonna finish this story. Just want that to be clear.

 

So...I’m sorry for this inconvenience, and hope you can understand. Thank you for reading this, and I hope to be back very soon.


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